A wise man once said that all good things must come to an end.
Within this immortalised idiom is a granule of truth: nothing is sacred… everything must die (yay?).
But before that, I think there’s a truer certainty we can apply to all “good things”: Mickey Mouse will hunger for them.
The first major casualty came in 2006 when the Mouse munched up Pixar: and Walt would soon strike again in 2009, when Marvel Studios would be consumed for just 4 billion dollars… which is now pocket-change. And in 2012, the biggie happened: when one of Aladdin’s three wishes culminated in the purchase of Star Wars.
Now: Disney took “go big or go home” to heart and swallowed Fox for a mere 71 Billion (with a capital “B”, “I”, “L”, “L”, “I”, “O”, “N”… BILLION!) dollars.
While also capsizing creativity, this gave Marvel Studios the X-Men: meaning that, with Dark Phoenix, the 19-year-long franchise has, at long last, reached its end. And before you say The New Mutants is coming… that movie is already being gagged and disposed of in Disneyland’s floorboards as we speak.
However, as it is all (finally!) over… I think it is fair to (finally) rank them, from least-favourite to favourite: or the one everyone hates to the one everyone loves (it’s the journey… not the destination!).
So without further adieu…
#12 – X-Men Origins: Wolverine[2009]
Many movies have great opening credits.
Se7en is one, The Good, The Bad and the Ugly is another, and Bond has made his living out of shooting the darn camera.
This film also has good credits… and that is all.
The direction is misguided; the writing pitiful; the characterisation flat and the effects…. the effects… (sigh).
Simply, this film is awfully bad: and hey, I’ve not even gotten to their domestic abuse of Deadpool yet!
#11 – X-Men: Dark Phoenix[2019]
This is the end. This was the finale. This is their legacy? THIS IS THE BEST THEY COULD DO?
The cast, in fairness, help keep Dark Phoenix watchable, and I’d be lying to say the climax isn’t kick-ass. But everything else is painstakingly mediocre.
Character arcs are jumbled up like confused silly-string while the aliens here deserve nothing less than a stern talking to for how impressively unimpressive they are.
Actually, I’d hesitate to call even the degree of ineptitude here impressive: it’s just bad. Nothing more; nothing less.
#10 – X-Men: Apocalypse[2016]
If not for Douchepool and Depressed Limo-Man, the later years for this franchise would have tanked.
As while the cast here remains strong (Oscar Isaac deserves an Honourary Oscar for playing a glorified-mannequin – he’s that uninteresting – with any conviction whatsoever), the story is messy; the action floppy and the utmost core principals underwhelming.
I suppose the Quicksilver scene was cool… but even that is sloppy seconds.
#09 – X-Men: The Last Stand[2006]
Honestly, I don’t hate this film.
Is it good? Absolutely not. It is clunky, overstuffed, unfulfilling and generally underwhelming; featuring a random winged-blonde-weirdo and the unholy abomination of Satanic-Rituals that was 2006-era de-aged Patrick Stewart. Overall: not that great.
And yet, and yet, and yet: Magneto, at easily his most badass (and he’s played by Ian McKellen guys… don’t forget that!), lifts a damn bridge. The San Fransisco Bridge, to be exact.
I know, I know, I know: this is a bad movie.
But…… Magneto + Bridge = Sure, Why Not?
#08 – The Wolverine[2013]
Remove the anti-climactic Japanese-Transformers finale, and The Wolverine is fairly kick-ass.
Jacked-Man remains on top form, as does the action – with James Mangold (who’d later direct a much, much, much better film) delivering a high-speed chase on a train (not to be mistaken for Snakes on a Plane) near the middle and a slick Ninja-raid later on.
And to truly demonstrate the kick-assery: we see, in a mostly bloodless film, Wolverine regenerate his skin after absorbing a Nuclear Blast…
If that isn’t the millionth step beyond “Cool Guys Don’t Look at Explosions”, I don’t think I can comprehend what is.
#07 – X-Men[2000]
If nothing else, the original X-Men gave us the following things:
- Hugh Jackman as Wolverine;
- Patrick Stewart as Professor X;
- IAN MCKELLEN AS MAGNETO;
- Rebecca Romaijn as Mystique;
- Creepy Hobo Sabretooth;
- Black. Leather.;
- The MCU;
- Nolan’s Batman;
- Spider-Man;
- Catwoma- No. Don’t ever appreciate that!;
- A Badass Opening… Conversation;
- So. Much. Black. Leather.;
- The Line “Do you know what happens to a toad when its struck by lightning? Same thing that happens to everything else.”
Okay, the last thing sucks; but everything else (assuming you take my advice on #10) is something to be thankful for.
As a movie, it is now dated; but as a time-capsule, it deserves commending.
#06 – Deadpool 2[2018]
Though infinitely less fresh and astronomically less unique, Deadpool 2 is no less funny than its predecessor.
Ryan Reynolds was born to play a talking, shrivelled… testicle-monster: and he plays it, so, so well.
What’s more: this film, despite being rather off-brand, tries to give itself heart and an emotional current. And as I never thought I’d use the terms “heart” and “testicle-monster” in the same context… um, thank you?
#05 – X-Men: First Class[2011]
After The Last Stand swept the rug beneath X-Men and Origins beat it bloody, First Class was the perfect antidote: a 60s thriller set around the Cuban Missile Crisis with Matthew Vaughn, James McAvoy and a damn scene where damn Magneto (played by an immaculately suave Michael Fassbender) damn-well kills some damn Nazis!
What, I ask the crowd, is not to love here?
#04 – Deadpool[2016]
In what was perhaps the biggest superhero surprise of all time, Deadpool rocked.
That’s basically it, to be frank.
You can criticise the story and villains (and rightfully should – don’t accept mediocrity!)… but I will be even franker… Deadpool god-damn rocks!
#03 – X-Men: Days of Future Past[2014]
This film exists as a generational bridge: with the franchise legends (Patrick Stewart, Ian McKellen, Hugh Jackman) passing on the torch to the newcomers (James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender, Hugh Jackman), gift wrapping everything with an all-time great superhero moment (♪ ” If Iiiiiiiiiiii, could saaaaaaaaaaaaave tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime in a boooooooooooooooottle……”) and enough naturally-radiated charisma to slay the MCU’s entire quipster-brigade at once.
Truthfully: this is an all-time great Superhero-flick contender.
#02 – X2: X-Men United[2003]
This film is f****** fantastic!
While also elegantly exploring Wolverine’s past and expanding the cast’s black-leather wardrobe, X2 included quite-possibly the most poignant superhero-scene ever conceived: one in a which a young-boy must “come out” as a mutant to his disapproving family.
90% of Superhero blockbusters blur the line between reality and fantasy, and usually rightfully so.
But X2 stands out as perhaps the originator of letting super-fantasy inform menial-reality – mirroring two tragedies, one real and one not, to ground real struggles with characters not typically associated with them. That, to me, is damn powerful.
And even when it isn’t that: the cast remains incredible and the opening sequence is yet another all-time great… never ceasing to make me grin like a chimpanzee on tequila whenever I watch it.
So to summarise: go rewatch X2… it’s f****** fantastic!
#01 – Logan[2017]
No-one is shocked about this placement: absolutely no-one.
Logan is a masterpiece: encompassing a deeply personal (not specifically for me… thank God!) Western-saga of age and grief, featuring a star-turning debut from one Dafne Keen, a haunting send-off for one Hugh Jackman and an utterly brilliant, Oscar-worthy, turn from one Patrick Stewart: who is so damn good in this film… so… damn… good!
James Mangold, who you may remember from Japanese Transformers, also helps by using the hard-rating to his ultimate advantage: showing guts and gore galore, but not in surplus to the extent of gratuitous use or glorification; to the extent it is gritty and grounded and disturbing.
And when that cross turns at the end? I may or may not have possibly ever-so-maybe teared up? Or cried? Or wept like a child after getting told Santa doesn’t love them? No, no, no… I totally didn’t cry… T-O-T-A-L-L-Y didn’t cry. Totally. Just… give me a minute, please?
And so comes the end of an era.
Inexplicably, I’ll miss this franchise. Many a time did it miss the broadside of a barn with a shotgun at point-blank range: but when it hit its target, it often created an all-time great.
This franchise, for all its ups and downs, gave birth to the modern age of Superhero blockbusters – dusting the stage for Spider-Man to do a little tap-dance; for Batman Begins to start a Jazz routine; and for, eventually, Kevin Feige (the King of the MCU) to Scrooge-McDuck-Dive into a bottomless pit of money, money, money.
These movies helped originate the current superhero-movie craze: and while some are absolutely, god-awfully, indescribably abysmal trash… you know what, they deserve respect. We wouldn’t have the wonderful image of Kevin Feige Scrooge-McDuck-Diving if not for this franchise, and I think they deserve a solid thank-you for that.
Film Scribe 