It is my firm belief that any good film critic should be open to and experience all types of film, from the understated classics of Yasujiro Ozu to whatever the hell Michael Bay is currently doing to even, as it stands today, Stephanie Meyer’s revered and reviled Twilight saga, a sweeping teenage romance that falls way outside my usual area of expertise, yet grossed a surplus of three billion dollars worldwide and, for better or worse, helped to define what love and romance mean to a generation (note: Stalking is good, provided he looks like Robert Pattinson). Until very recently, alas, I had never personally experienced… the experience, and thus – for Blockbuster Month!, because regardless of what you think of the films, three billion is a lot of cheddar – decided to binge all five across two days, chronicling my thoughts in between. Below is my diary into the madness of Twilight.
Act One – Twilight (2008)
00:00:45 – This deer running lost and afraid through a blaze of shoddy filmmaking and angsty voice-over is a metaphor for my life now, isn’t it?
00:06:15 – All the colours are neutered into grey blurs and not an ounce of life can be found in a single one of the characters’ eyes…. good start.
00:24:33 – Edward is straight-up gaslighting Bella with this car situation… the romantic male lead, less than thirty minutes in, is deliberately attempting to make a teenage girl doubt her own sanity, which has to be a record of some kind.
00:30:52 – Bella drops apple. Edward bounces it up with foot. The Whole World Cheers.
00:36:17 – First actual vampire sighting and I can’t say I’m impressed. The speedy-zoom effects are awful and the dialogue feels barely first draft. Do the effects improve later on or should I already abandon the concept of hope?
00:40:12 – Why does Edward own a car when his light jog could obliterate Usain Bolt?
00:44:19 – All their conversations are just close-ups of the actors staring at one another with soulless eyes, and frankly I can’t help but feel bad for both Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart… their careers didn’t deserve this.
00:52:58 – All this time I thought “Sparkle Vampire Movie” was just people being mean and dismissive. I was wrong. That is certainly a lot of sparkles.
00:54:25 – Edward discloses his undying lust for blood. Bella states “I trust you.” This movie went onto gross 400 million dollars worldwide.
01:06:57 – They really play into the family awkwardness and I appreciate it — all things considered, there is at least some level of self-awareness floating throughout this film.
01:15:06 – “I like watching you sleep” – Friendly reminder that this movie has defined romance for a generation.
01:20:23 – One day, when I become World Champion in the Movie Trivia Schmoedown, there will be a question that dictates whether I will win or lose. That question will be “What sport do the Cullens play in Twilight?”. And provided I am unable to forget this scene for as long as I live (note: likely) … I will f*cking nail it.
01:32:22 – This has escalated from creepy teen romance to Vampire Serial Killer thriller in around three seconds.
01:45:40 – Fun Fact: A quick Google search reveals this franchise as a metaphor for abstinence. If I need to know that, so do you.
01:49:02 – Taylor Lautner is the most believable teen character in this movie. I’ll let that sink in.
Act Two – Twilight: New Moon (2009)
00:09:45 – It’s been a solid twenty minutes since I finished Twilight and I’m not even sure this is a different film — the directors may change, the angst persists forever.
00:12:15 – Michael Sheen has just been introduced and my heart goes out to him in this incredibly rough time… it can’t be easy getting rejected by Harry Potter and then instead getting painted white.
00:18:40 – I’m sorry but this romance is only considered okay because Robert Pattinson is a dreamy twink and doesn’t look one hundred years old… because at the start of this franchise Bella was seventeen, and that is literally a crime.
00:29:00 – The camera slowly pans around Bella as the months slowly pass by, drenching her in the turmoil of her past — the visual is great, the angst is gratuitous, the snickering is loud
00:41:07 – Am I just heartless or is having PTSD over the old man vampire that watched you sleep a little weird?
00:55:40 – A moment of silence for Taylor Lautner’s luscious locks.
01:08:19 – Taylor Lautner is now a werewolf, which makes two classic monsters to have independently settled in this random rural town. Is the Generic White Boy character gonna end up being the Phantom of the Opera or something?
01:32:34 – Edward now wants to kill himself because the underage girl he briefly dated may or may not have drowned. That’s the entire comment I wrote.
01:33:57 – They fly with “Virgin” Air. Subtle.
01:38:08 – Why is Edward now shirtless?
01:38:40 – Oh…. it’s suicide by crowd mauling. Never mind.
01:39:00 – Wait… WTF am I even writing?
01:50:26 – Okay. So the entire plot of this one was they briefly break up because he suddenly develops morals so she tries to sleep with a dog so he gets sad and tries to kill himself so the High Council of Vampires pop up because reasons and then they’re back together?
01:50:30 – The realisation hits that I am not even half-way done.
Act Three – Twilight: Eclipse (2010)
00:03:53 – They’ve just agreed to marriage on the condition of vampiric conversion a little over ten minutes after they literally just agreed to marriage on the condition of vampiric conversion. Are even the screenwriters falling asleep?
00:15:14 – Bella honestly has a surprisingly tender situation to deal with, all things considered: choosing between family and vampiric conversion doesn’t sound too emotionally taxing on paper, but it’s oddly sympathetic and heartfelt.
00:16:50 – There is currently a chase happening and that is the most I can make of it: Things Happening! Quick Cuts! Excitement!
00:21:35 – Do the wolf people, like, destroy their clothes everytime they transform?
00:25:10 – All things considered, I do admire how much romantic agency and individuality Bella has – her entire purpose is to get a monstrous boyfriend, but she at least tries to retain some individuality throughout, which is as positive, frankly, as her character gets.
00:43:00 – Bella just broke her hand punching Taylor Lautner’s chiselled jawline: #LifeGoals
00:46:01 – Drunken domestic abuse is very heavy subject matter to tackle considering Bella just broke her hand on a werewolf’s jaw three minutes ago.
01:08:15 – If this franchise doesn’t end with Bella riding Jacob on wolfback, then it is an abject failure.
01:17:24 – They can’t have sex TO PROTECT BELLA’S SOUL: they cannot have pre-marital sex…. because that would offend God. Twilight: Eclipse, not even kidding, just compared Vampire Sex to Mormon Abstinence.
… I really hope celibacy rings were part of the merchandise!
01:26:52 – “You’d warm up faster if you took your clothes off”…. I think I may now need Jesus
01:30:53 – It’s just dawned on me (or has the new dawn broke?) that these films all have different directors and not a single one of them has any individuality or unique personality. They’re all just one hodgepodge mess of neutered colours and teenage angst and it’s honestly impressive how visually unappealing they are.
01:40:00 – The action at the end of this film is honestly really fun and well done. Either that, or I’ve been conditioned to clap whenever the characters aren’t just seductively staring at one another.
Act Four – Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part One (2011)
00:01:24 – OMG! They’re getting married! I’ve waited for this moment for a whole 24-hours!
00:05:50 – Vampire Vigilantism sounds like an awesome concept. And I won’t even lie, I cannot for the life of me remember what prompted that comment, but I do agree with my past self so why not.
00:08:39 – DOES NO ONE THINK THIS MARRIAGE is — never mind, this is just a bad dream. I’ll save the rant for later.
00:12:55 – Ahem: SORRY, BUT DOES NO ONE THINK THIS MARRIAGE IS JUST A LITTLE F*CKING WEIRD AND ABRUPT? HE. IS. ONE. HUNDRED. YEARS. OLD. IT’S NOT CUTE! IT’S CREEPY AND WRONG AND —
00:15:35 – Okay. Stockholm Syndrome has finally settled in because in the middle of writing that I unironically said “Aww” at their first kiss. The end is nigh, and it’s not even thirty minutes in.
00:29:00 – There is no snarky comment, here, but if you’d like to watch these films then from this point until around 00:55:00 or so, you can skip everything and feel better for it. Spoiler Alert: She gets pregnant and they have a frankly gratuitous amount of sex — that’s the entire Honeymoon sequence summarised from thirty minutes of dull meandering.
01:06:00 – They just argued over “foetus versus baby” for a God damn vampire. Pro-Tip, discounting my personal beliefs: Vampire Babies are not your best argument for championing “Pro-Life.”
01:20:20 – Bella drinks blood through a straw like a milkshake.
01:29:10 – Bella decided that if her child is a boy, then it’s name shall be “EJ.” And as an individual whose initials, Ethan Jones, align quite neatly with that: I hereby consider this statement as a declaration of war.
01:44:35 – The montage of previous films is legitimately sweet and rounds up the franchise very nicely and wait… THIS IS PART ONE?
Act V – Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part Two (2012)
00:00:30 – Holy Sh*t! This is the last one!
00:03:31 – Opening Credits? Good! Introduction to Vampire Powers? Good! Three Whole Minutes in and no snarky complaints? GOOD!
00:07:08 – Speedy Boy Tries to Stop Speedy Wife from Chewing a Rock Climber’s Jugular.
00:12:24 – “You nicknamed my daughter after the Loch Ness Monster!”
00:20:00 – Billy Burke is honestly really good across all of these films and he singlehandedly grounds the father/daughter relationship into something actually heartfelt and sweet. Just a really solid, consistent performance.
00:47:00 – I’m nearly halfway done and have very few snarky complaints… why does this film honestly kinda slap?
01:14:40 – Michael Sheen just made a noise so inhuman I’m no longer convinced he wasn’t born for this role.
01:19:40 – I retract my previous comment: What the hell did they do to Michael Sheen?
01:22:22 – I knew it was coming, but this climactic fight is honestly awesome. Utterly preposterous and senselessly violent and completely the opposite of everything Twilight stands for? Absolutely, and the film is all the better for it.
01:30:07 – Again, I knew it was coming, but the “It was all a dream” twist honestly kinda works for what this franchise is and posits a very cool “What If?” scenario… It has taken a solid five movies and a lot of stares, but whenever Twilight is the complete opposite of Twilight, Twilight has the potential to slap.
01:37:40 – The end montage is very sweet and tender and I am so glad this is the only time it was used because, otherwise, that would have diminished all the impact and made it feel substantially less important!
01:38:43 – I’M FREE (direct quote from notes)
If you enjoyed reading this post, please like, follow and comment — it really means a lot, and all discussion, provided its respectful, is welcome regardless of whether we agree or not!
Film Scribe 