Last night saw the spectacular disaster that was the 94th annual Academy Awards, a show that, every year, seems determined to outdo itself in pure self-contempt. It has been in a steady decline for many years, most famously exemplified through the disastrous La La Land mishap, and this year was no different. Though the categories themselves were very predictable and rudimentary, the chaos that surrounded them was anything but …
Below, hence, is my diary into madness throughout Oscar night, charting my friends and I’s (increasingly drunken) thoughts throughout as we watched the once prestigious ceremony crash and burn — like a car crash you can’t turn away from.
01:00 AM – The Oscars are just about to start, my ballot is prefilled, and my nondescript alcoholic beverage is filled. Let the nightmare begin.
01:01 AM – They’re opening on the Williams Sisters and Beyonce? That is quite the starter! Hopefully this energy continues onto the main course.
01:06 AM– And now they’re introducing the hosts. My energy is instantly deflated.
01:10 AM – Amy Schumer looks perpetually lost.
01:17 AM – First laugh of the entire monologue, for Amy Schumer slandering Being the Ricardos. And frankly, that’s a lot sooner than I initially anticipated.
01:18 AM – They’ve just played “Africa” by TOTO to introduce Daniel Kalulya and H.E.R. … this feels a touch too dicey for my drunken, white, teenage self to break down here.
01:19 AM – First award of the night: Best Supporting Actress! Ariana Debose already won this in December, but it’ll be nice to finally see it happen.
01:20 AM – “For my ballot, if in doubt, I just went with The Power of the Dog” – my friend, who has not seen The Power of the Dog, on why he voted for Kirsten Dunst. Let’s see how well that one shakes out (Editor’s Note: not well).
01:23 AM – Hell yeah! Awesome speech from Ariana Debose and could not be happier for her! Now for West Side Story to basically … go home.
01:31 AM – This “Horny Hall” bit is really gross and if the genders were reversed, with a man using COVID tests to lure attractive women on stage, then there would be rioting in the streets. Also, if you need to clarify that’s okay to bone someone by saying “I checked before and you are legal,” then maybe you just … shouldn’t say that.
01:32 AM – Jason Momoa from behind sorta looks like Pen Gillette. Josh Brolin, however, does not look like Teller.
01:33 AM – It seems a wee-bit pointless to honour the category for Best Sound by talking over the clips with good sound.
01:34 AM – They cut actual categories from the broadcast to f*cking celebrate White Men Can’t Jump.
01:36 AM – AND WHY ARE THEY GIVING OUT BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY!
01:38 AM – Greig Fraser more than deserves this win for Dune and with how damn gorgeous The Batman is it’s not inconceivable that he may win two years in a row …
01:39 AM – Tony Hawk will apparently be here. I wish I could be a fly on the wall while he sat down to watch Flee.
01:41 AM – My friends and I begin raving about Hamilton and now I really want to rewatch Hamilton.
01:43 AM – They’re not even dignifying Best Documentary Short with a host! That is such insulting bullsh*t!
01:45 AM – Yay! Rachel Zegler is here and woah that dude is big.
01:48 AM – They just tried to play the winners for Best VFX off! Do the Academy even like movies?
01:50 AM – The Bond montage was hosted by three randos who have no connection to Bond and doesn’t use the Bond song nominated this year! Did Blofeld produce this?
01:54 AM – Why are there Lovehoney ads accompanying the Oscars?
02:05 AM – Apparently cheering was invented in 1999 with The Matrix because no films before that could possibly be crowd-pleasing, right?
02:13 AM – As terribly as they have presented it here, the Oscars museum looks so incredibly cool and I want to go one day. Mission accomplished, I guess?
02:18 AM – We briefly discuss why Jesse Plemons should have won an Oscar for Game Night.
02:20 AM – My friend will not accept that Jesse Plemons lost Best Supporting Actor. Note: They have not seen The Power of the Dog.
02:23 AM – Troy Kotsur’s speech makes me cry. An incredibly talented, deserving winner. The night has peaked here.
02:24 AM – Troy Kotsur’s tearful acceptance speech, sponsored by Lightyear
02:27 AM – We briefly discuss Daniel Radcliffe as Weird Al and conclude that he will be amazing.
02:30 AM – The awful banter preamble to Best International Feature was longer than the montage introducing the nominees. I can’t even say I’m shocked.
02:32 AM – They just tried to play Ryusuke Hamaguchi off! Absolute bastards!
02:41 AM – Riz Ahmed won an Oscar! By far the most pleasant surprise of the night!
02:48 AM – We Don’t Talk About Bruno time!
02:51 AM – I really wish they hadn’t talked about Bruno.
02:55 AM – BTS is here. That’s popular with the youth, right, my fellow kids?
02:56 AM– If you’re gonna do a terrible Spider-Schum bit then fine, whatever, I don’t really care. But if you’re gonna have JK Simmons there as a nominee and not make him a part of it then you have failed as an Oscar producer.
02:58 AM – Elliot Page looks like Jennifer Garner and JK Simmons’ child.
03:00 AM – It really sucks that the only place either Belfast or Licorice Pizza could have been celebrated was Best Original Screenplay, and that they had to compete against each other for that honour. But I am very, very happy for Kenny on this win, and absolutely not salty in the slightest that one of my friends, who hasn’t seen a single film nominated for the Oscars, correctly predicted this category and I didn’t. Not. At. All.
03:02 AM – Concise, heartfelt, genuine, deserved. Kenneth Branagh is a God among men. What a damn speech!
03:04 AM – As much as I don’t agree with CODA‘s win in Best Adapted Screenplay, Sian Heder seems like a lovely human being and having a sign-language interpreter at her side is the cherry on top. The human elements are what really make the Oscars special, not the overproduced bullsh*t that surrounds them.
03:06 AM – Moving swiftly on from sincerity: WTF. WTF. WTF. How in the living f*ck did Army of the Dead win Best Popular film? At this point, the Snyder posse is literally a cult.
03:11 AM – They’re not even playing the scores for Best Original score! Is Best Cinematography going to be presented via radio next year?
03:19 AM – If Don’t Look Up wins Best Picture then Twitter is going to implode and I, for one, cannot wait.
03:23 AM – “We’ve got something that’s never been seen before. A copy of The Last Duel.” Given the current state of Oscar ratings, I don’t think y’all can criticise one of the best films of the year in that respect.
03:25 AM – Chris Rock doesn’t look like he ages
03:25 AM – Just had to remind one of my friends that Chris Rock, indeed, is not Don Cheadle.
03:26 AM – holy sh*t. did that just happen? did will smith … did will smith just bitchslap chris rock?
03:27 AM – “Keep my wife’s name out your f*cking mouth!” – WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?
03:29 AM – It really, really sucks that Best Documentary Feature has been completely overshadowed by … whatever the hell just happened.
03:30 AM – Wait, they just temporarily cut the UK broadcast? Has … has Will Smith killed Chris Rock?
03:33 AM – The Godfather is of course awesome but it’s had fifty years of praise levelled at it. The three shorts winners, if they’re lucky, probably had fifty seconds between them. The Oscars should celebrate the future of film not just wallow in its own glory days.
03:45 AM – Literally all the “In Memoriam” needs to be every year is a remembrance for those that we have lost. Stop fetishizing the famous ones because they get more clicks. Stop using awful music. Stop overproducing grief. How they manage to screw this up every single year is remarkable.
03:54 AM – Kinda fascinating how not even the Academy thinks No Time to Die is the best song of the year, given they went out of their way to perform We Don’t Talk About Bruno, and yet couldn’t award the latter because Disney didn’t even nominate it. This is the Bruno paradox.
03:58 AM – Yes!!! Go, Jane Campion!! A much-deserved victory for a truly fantastic film. Now please, for the love of God, go on to win Best Picture. And preferably don’t slap Venus or Serena Williams!
04:01 AM – Would it have killed them to wait just … two years before Pulp Fiction turned 30?
04:10 AM – Shock horror! Will Smith wins Best Actor. Now, this speech should be interesting.
04:11 AM – And the opening line is about defending family. Uh-oh.
04:15 AM – All things considered, that was a pretty terrific speech, although I do wonder if the winner of Best Sound, or Best Costume Design, or Best Editing, had they slapped Chris Rock and swore on Live TV, would have been allowed to not just stay, but make such a speech and get thunderous applause for it. I can’t make accusations of hypocrisy without basis … but I’m absolutely right.
04:22 AM – Jesse Plemons does … not look amused by Amy Schumer’s schtick.
04:30 AM – Chastain’s speech undoubtedly meant well but it came across as a random collage of buzzwords that sound progressive but don’t really feel justified. The random jump into suicide was jarring, to say the least.
04:35 AM – And Don’t Look Up finally gets its due as the worthy Best Picture win- wait. Sorry guys, there’s a mistake. CODA. You guys won Best Picture. This is not a joke. I’m afraid they read the wrong thing. This is not a joke, CODA has won Best Picture. (*holds up envelope*). CODA. Best Picture.
04:40 AM – And at long last, it is finally over: a truly chaotic, disastrous, messy Oscars finally comes to an end. My final score is a very commendable 21/23, missing out on just Best Animated Short and Best Original Screenplay, though truthfully I wish there were more surprises … well, more surprises with the winners … no-one had Will Smith bitchslapping Chris Rock on their Bingo Card. To any extent, it is finally over … time to start predicting next year’s Oscar race!
Film Scribe 